Ethan Reueken is haunting me or I am having delusions of a psychiatric kind. Our last conversation occurred over twenty years ago, it was brief yet long enough for me to realize Ethan would forever be an unpaid tenant of my heart. Of course, there were times when I was sure any remnant of feelings for him were gone, then I discovered that I fooled myself... like when I married Peter.
I started dating Peter a year or so after Ethan. Peter was the nephew of a family friend and in the military. He was different from anyone I had dated, especially Ethan. When Peter asked me to marry him, I said yes. We married a year and half later in Hawaii. Peter returned to Viet Nam and I returned to NJ. I felt safe dating Peter and than marrying him. My time was spent working the graveyard shift at the phone company and corresponding with Peter. I welcomed this time of peace, following the chaotic year of breaking up with Ethan. .
Ethan moved to north New Jersey a year or so after our break-up. I'd be lying to say he never entered my thoughts, but he wasn't on my mind on a sunny February day, and a great day for a walk. It can’t be him; it can't be Ethan standing outside the gates of my apartment. How would he know I live here? Has he stopped using drugs? The sight of him sent my pulse racing and caused my knees to feel like jello setting in the sun on a hot summer's day.
Ethan was fast to greet me with his shit eating grin and mystical eyes. He had one blue eye and one green, so when he looked at me, It felt like he was looking at me and through me at the same time.
"Hi, I didn't expect to see you," Ethan stated.
"Me neither. How are you?" my voice sounded better than I felt.
"O.K.. Where you going? What's in the box?" He asked with the anticipation of a six year old at Christmas.
"Ohh to the cleaners," not mentioning what was in the box or looking at it.
"You always carry your dirty clothes in a box?" Ethan egged me on, and moved closer to the box, reaching out, touching it and attempting to peak into it.
"Don‘t! It's my wedding dress." My words brought silence, that felt like forever.
"Yeahhh, Dan told me you were getting married. Who is he?" Ethan asked. Long after we broke up, Ethan would call whenever he heard I had a date. He would give me a list of reasons why I shouldn’t go out with so and so, whoever the guy was at the time. His excuses were the usual, the guy was a jerk, or the guy was going use me, anything to keep me from dating. Little did he know that I only dated to fill time in my calendar, my heart was shattered. He had no reason to worry. It was amusing and infuriating that he kept tabs on me. .
"Peter Harris, you don’t know him. His Aunt lived next to us on William Street." I stated.
Ethan's face appeared solemn at first, but soon reflected the devil in his eye and his shit eating grin. "Ya know everyone asks me about us, how I feel about you. I tell them it was so long ago it doesn't seem like it happened. I don't think of you anymore. Do you ever think of me?" Ethan asked with eyes fixed on mine.
“No,” I lied. Ethan's words sliced my soul. I stilled loved him. I didn’t know then, but twenty years later I would still would. I took a last look at him and tried to determine if he was still using. Highly probable, but I didn't ask, my reserve of tears was about to burst.
My mouth bided Ethan farewell, but not my heart. If I'd run into Ethan before the wedding, I never had married Peter. Too late now, suck it up and work hard your marriage I lectured myself. It wasn’t Peter’s fault that Ethan refused to leave my heart. Although I tried, I never developed the deep love for Peter that I felt for Ethan. Two years and one daughter later, Peter and I divorced.
While single, I’d hoped to run into Ethan, but fate had other plans. I met Owen and we became friends. He and I talked for hours sharing divorce war stories. I confessed to Owen, it was my fault my marriage failed, and explained my love for Ethan. I also told Owen how I've not met a man who measured up to Ethan, but was hopeful it would happen. Perhaps Owen found this challenging, for he wooed me off my feet.
One Sunday afternoon, Owen locked the automatic door to the hotel kitchen where we worked, shut off the circuit breakers and yelled to the staff that we had lost electricity. No one could get in or out of the kitchen. Owen made a romantic dinner and we enjoyed filet mignon, candle light, cooking wine and our first kiss.
cheerful
amused
anxious